I must admit, I already wake up every morning wondering what the latest ridiculous plan out of Ashcroft’s mouth is going to be, but this morning’s announcement about a “responsible cooperator program” really takes the cake: let’s give immigration incentives for providing information about terrorists!

This way we can not only encourage foreign hopefuls to make up stories about real or imaginary people in order to increase the chance that their immigration status may be “fast tracked”, we can also assist potentially threatening foreigners to get into the country quicker! (Since, in theory, anyone who might be privy to such information could themselves impose a threat to national security.)

Law-abiding foreigners: do not be fooled by this insidious invitation! If you should actually have the misfortune to happen across any important information that may somehow lead to the capture of terrorists or the prevention of a terrorist act from occurring, tell one of your white upper-middle class non-Jewish-American friends about it, so they can phone in an anonymous tip from a pay phone!
(No one is safe! 🙂

See the CNN article: U.S. to offer immigration incentives for
terrorism information.

Attorney General John Ashcroft announced
Thursday a new plan to possibly offer immigration assistance to encourage
international citizens living in the United States or abroad to come forward
with information about suspected terrorists.

“If you have information which is reliable information and useful to us in preventing
terrorism and apprehending those who are involved in terrorist activities, bring it to
the FBI or if you are overseas, to an embassy, and you could as a result of that
information be provided a visa which will allow you to be in the United States,
allow you if necessary to work in the United States and provide a basis for your
someday becoming a citizen,” Ashcroft said.

Calling the new plan the “responsible cooperators program,” Ashcroft said, “We
want the kind of responsible people who would help us in the war against
terrorism.”

Ashcroft sent a directive Thursday to the FBI, the Immigration and Naturalization
Service, all United States attorneys and the Justice Department’s Assistant Attorney
General for the Criminal Division, outlining the new incentive initiative.